The Ol' Ball and Chain

We did something extremely liberating the other day.

We had no idea it would feel so good.

We spent money.

When you are in the process of adopting your bank account becomes uber important. For me it had become something I didn't realize I was so fixated on. Constant running and rerunning of numbers. Strategizing a gazillion different ways how to budget our money. How much to save vs. how much to pay on debt vs. how  much to spend on groceries.

From what I hear this is just part of adoption. The money focus starts almost immediately after your first introduction and orientation into adoption. When you add all the fees, (which are rarely published for the general public, you have to call and seriously inquire into adoption to learn about the fees) potential travel expenses, unpaid maternity leave, actual baby expenses, you begin to realize that it all adds up to a LOT.

We are not perfect with our money, but we do budget and try to be reasonable. Money is always a balance. I remember going to high school with a daughter of an eye doctor who talked about it being irresponsible to buy something if you have to finance it. She felt that you should save up for everything before making a purchase. We were talking about cars specifically. All I could think was how long it would take me to save up to buy a car. Even a cheap car. My family's income was probably a quarter of what her family's was and our discretionary income was probably far less than that. I think there is a lot of wisdom in paying cash for things, but I also don't think it is always practical. Sure, buy a $5,000 car instead of a $20,000 car, but the ability to save up for the lower priced car when you have a lower income can get in the way of so much...like enjoying life. With that being said, I don't think that the definition of living within your means equates to being able to make the minimum payment on all the keeping-up-with-the-Jones'-nonessential things (boats, luxury cars, vacations). It's somewhere in between.

So, I guess my point in sharing my money views, is that we've been working hard to save up for our adoption and don't want to finance all of it if we don't have to. We bit off a lot this year by moving, buying a second house that needed work, and planning on our adoption. It freaks me out when I add it all up. We've both had moments where we felt that we've been giving up a few things and not knowing if we had the right balance. Still not really knowing whether we are striking the right balance or not, we decided to buy living room furniture. And it feels great. We've not done and bought so much for the purpose of preserving every extra penny for our adoption that it was down right liberating. I can't really explain it. I can't really explain why I decided to blog about it either, but it's part of the adoption journey I guess. Heck, furniture is practically an adoption-must since we will have so many friends and family over visiting. Now they'll have somewhere to sit. :o)

November

I've spent a few days thinking about what I wanted to blog about for my monthly adoption update post. The update is there is no update. Technically there is one more day left, but we are pretty sure we broke our streak of one situation each month.

In other news, all things not related to adoption have been pretty eventful this November.

• Jake went from working in Seattle to working in Bend. We think it'll only be a few more weeks before he is back to working in the Willamette Valley and home every night. This will be wonderful...even if I do have to start cooking again during the week.

• I'm changing jobs and will be working in Salem full time. 

• I've been kind of sick for the past 3 or 4 months and was relieved to have negative results eliminating a serious condition as being the culprit. I'm so thankful for diagnostic testing and procedures. I was very relieved when my doctor said "good news, it's not cancer and its not ______" (a scary disease process).

• We hosted Thanksgiving this year and LOVED having everyone over. One of my sisters and I both can't have milk products so I made a completely lactose free meal. It really wasn't hard and nobody probably would have known if it wasn't mentioned. Best part about having a loud and busy house full of family was having a "kid space" in the house. With the nursery having a few things in it, including some stuffed animals now, my nieces had their very own place to play. This was the first time they got to have designated-kid space. It was awesome...and they made us laugh. A lot. At one point we were so busy laughing when they came running out of the bedroom "riding" stuffed animals none of us thought to pull out a phone or camera to take a picture.

• We got to go to the Civil War game and cheer on the Beavers. Although they didn't win, it was a ton of fun to go. I forget how close and easy it is to pop over to Corvallis and catch a game. I love going to sporting events.

I'm sure I'm forgetting a ton of other things, but those are the highlights!

A Glimpse

I work with a wonderful girl on a committee at work that brings us into the same conference room about once a month. I see her at events in between meetings typically, but our paths hadn't crossed for about 6 weeks. The moment I walked into the conference room and we locked eyes I knew. She had become an aunt. Her sister and brother-in-law are in Texas with their new baby boy waiting for their paperwork to go through so they can come home. It took everything in me to not have a complete breakdown over her wonderful news. There was so much running through my head as I looked at pictures of the newly formed family and as I listened to their amazing story. I did feel a twinge of jealously, (that I'm not proud of) but more than anything I felt such joy and excitement. Adoption is just so amazing. I was vividly reminded of what a magical and exciting time we are at in our lives awaiting our first child while getting this glimpse into another family's story. So, so, so exciting.

National Adoption Month

This is the third year that this month being dedicated to adoption awareness has been on my radar. Each year I learn so much more about adoption. I love how so many of the blogs I like to read post more often throughout the month. Reading other's stories and experiences is heartwarming and reassuring.

Although we've been on our adoption journey for 18 months we still know nothing about adoption, or so it seems. Because it is such a personal thing to talk about I get how I had exposure to adoption, but had little idea of the intricacies of the process. Also, there are so many different ways to go about adoption that I only know about the process we are going through.

For us, we are adopting domestically. We work with an agency in Idaho that also does work in Oregon. Our agency networks us (shares our profile) with other agencies that they regularly work with. Adoption agencies all work a little bit differently and its important that the agency itself and their caseworkers are a good fit for you. Adoption is extremely personal and emotional yet requires competent professionals to navigate the ethical and legal territory. Our agency networks us primarily with one agency that we've chosen in Louisiana. However, only 2 of the 4 situations that we've been considered for have been from the agency in Louisiana. The other two came from agencies in Oregon and Idaho that reached out to our agency looking for more couples to find a better match for their situation.

All of the situations that have been brought to our attention have changed me. They've changed my understanding of the process, how I look at these various situations and feel about the details i.e. the birthmother's life information, the health of the baby, etc., and they've changed my heart. At the end of the day I'll never know who these women and babies are, but they've had a great impact on my life and I've learned from them.

The entire month of November has also become the month of thankfulness. My facebook feed is full of 'today I am thankful for' posts. I'm thankful that more and more people are learning about adoption this month. Adoption in the United States has greatly evolved in the past 60 years and so many of the things that weren't great about it have been remedied. There are many myths and questions surrounding adoption, but it is no longer taboo...or at least that is the direction it is headed. For this I am thankful.

For anyone wondering about adoption in general or about our experience please don't hesitate to ask. Adoption is one of my favorite things to talk about. Even on the days that I'm a bit frustrated with the duration of our wait, talking about it lightens my frustration. I'm thankful for this as well.

Like Clock Work

I seem to only provide monthly updates anymore. Won't it be fun when I have more to say? :o)

Like clock work another month has gone by and with that another situation...that we were not chosen for. That makes four. This one was completely different than the others and we could feel the difference. Not sure if what we were/are feeling is because the baby was already born or something else. Jake and I both have a growing longing to bring baby home. I think a big part of that is simply because it feels like we've been waiting f-o-r-e-v-e-r (picture that being a Sandlot forever).

a baby room

We decided to go ahead and start putting the baby room together. It's far from finished, but it was driving me nuts having a crib and mattress sitting in boxes and having the closet not organized.

 

We were mildly worried that the crib would be a nightmare to put together so we kind of joked about needing to grab a beer and glass of wine before we got started. We opened up the box, grabbed the directions out, and saw that there were only 5 steps. Could it really be that easy? Yes. It took us longer to unpack and wipe the crib pieces down that it took us to put it together...and we love it!

 

 

I looked at hundreds of cribs. I finally found this one online and read about the company finding out they are hand made by a small company in Wisconsin; just a few hours away from where my parents grew up. 

 

It really was easy to put together. Side note - Jake cracks me up. When I started taking pictures he said something like, 'Wait, you are taking pictures? If I knew you were going to do that I would have changed my clothes.' Apparently he felt his outfit was dorky and thought his future children would look at the pictures and laugh at it. He should have known better. I always take pictures.



 

 The baby room is the second largest bedroom in the house (being just one foot narrower than the master). It's a great room, but we realized not so great for crib placement. There is only one wall that doesn't have windows, heating vents, or doors. So, the crib ended up under a window. We plan to replace all the windows in the house in the next year or so and hopefully that will help with any drafts.

 





There is still tons to do in the baby room, but it is at least started and there are more projects for it in the works!

Back to Normal :)

I'm thankfully back to being my normal self. Talk about being in a funk. However, my momentary loss of optimism is behind me. I still think adoption can be hard. I still think it is hard to maintain perspective while going through this adoption journey, but it sure is nice when that perspective gets back in check. It's against my nature to not be in control of things, have things organized, or have a deadline. I have none of these things in this process and it kind of drives me nuts.

So, what does someone do when they're a control freak with no control?

Organize.

Make lists.

Clean.

Prepare.

Shop.

Okay, maybe the last one is unrelated.

Some pending-parenthood realizations I've had over the past few weeks:

1. How much control do I have really? And what little I might have will be gone anyway as baby becomes the controller of all. And I'm excited about that.

2. Moby wraps are flipping huge! Seriously. How long are they anyway? My guess is 16 feet. Or maybe only half that, but it is a serious strip of fabric (I'd measure it, but it is neatly packed in baby's go bag). Maybe Jake and I can both be strapped to baby at the same time. I'm pretty sure we'd both fit. It would be a relationship building exercise, much like riding a tandem bike.

3. I hope I like pampers. I stocked up on a few. I got a great deal on them and couldn't pass up getting some. Not such a great deal if I end up not liking them...

4. I want travel and exploration to be important to my kids. I wonder how they'll do when they are little? This has been a VERY interesting subject. We've been putting off a vacation (a much needed vacation) while waiting for baby. I want to take a vacation sooner rather than later i.e. I hope to take a family vacation before baby turns one. I'm talking warm weather, sandy beach vacation. As I've talked about this with friends there has been such a wide range of opinions. Some say leave them with grandma. Some say take them with. Some say don't take a trip and stay close to home instead. So, what's the realization here? I'm going to remain naive and leave the sugar coating on my future children. They will be perfect. They will sleep on airplanes. They will love going everywhere we go and we'll still be able to make  it to places on time. See...denial sugar coating...very healthy for all pending-parents.

three months

Three down, who knows how many more to go! October 1st marked three months of being on the wait list for us. Time seems to go by so quickly I don't really know how to feel about this waiting. On one hand I can't believe it has been three months already, and on the other it's been ages!!!

This last month, more than any other to-date, has been the hardest. Hands down, no contest, the hardest. Adoption is hard.

We spent a good portion of September thinking we might be parents soon. We made the prayerful decision to be considered for a baby with an October 8th due date. We were asked questions by the birthmom through our caseworker and up until the week before the due date we were being considered. Then we weren't. The birthmother chose a different couple.

It is such a conundrum to be considered by a birthmom. Most expectant parents get excited thinking about the prospect of their baby. We did. But there in lies the conundrum...we aren't technically expecting. We got to such a point of anticipation that it felt irresponsible to not prepare to some extent. We have what is necessary to bring a baby home, but as I walk through my home it seems somewhat pathetic to have a mostly empty room set aside in anticipation of a baby. I want to be hopeful, optimistic, positive, and graceful in this wait for our family to grow. For the most part I am. However, this week, I don't want to pretend that doing so is easy.

unexpected lessons

We knew when we signed up for adoption to be part of our family that we would be forever changed. What we didn't know was how. We've been made aware of three situations, or potential matches, over the past couple of months. I had no idea how much each of these individual situations would touch me in the deepest and most visceral way. Especially the situation we learned about today.

I've been on the brink of tears all afternoon...and openly cried when I finally talked to someone about it.

There is a mom out there with a baby in her belly that has a congenital heart defect. An anomaly that statistics show will require up to three heart surgeries and a significantly reduced lifespan. This mother is considering placing her child. We decided to show our profile to her.

Today I don't have words, I have tears. This woman and child may be two people we never actually meet, yet today I cry for them. I pray for them. I pray for this mother to have comfort and feel strength in her decision. I pray for God's will for this unborn child to be carried out in the meaningful and fulfilling way that He intends. I pray for grace. I just...pray...and I am humbled.

two months

As of September 1st we've been on our adoption agency's transracial adoption program wait list for two months. Doesn't seem like too long. Add the 14 months it took to get onto that wait list and it seems a little longer.

I'm beyond curious about when we'll hear about our baby, what it will be like trying to get ready to go to them, what it will be like meeting them for the first time, how we'll feel, will our birth mom want to meet us - is she safe from the hurricane, what will traveling with a newborn be like, what will it feel like coming home, how amazing will it be for our family meeting the newest addition...

So much to think about and anticipate.

baby room stuff

I've been searching for a dresser for baby's room for months. No joke. Months. Well, for some of those months I wasn't seriously looking. More browsing to see what's out there. When it comes to finding nursery furniture my potential finds have fallen into two categories 1) on Craigslist (but too far away, not quite right, already sold, etc) or 2) too expensive. I have a hard time spending a decent chunk of change on something I don't absolutely love and want to keep around forever. I also kind of like the idea of re-purposing and re-using. No need to buy something brand new when there are plenty of used pieces of furniture out there already. The old stuff is typically built way better as well.

Enter old, smelly, not cute dresser with potential. I wanted something that will also serve as a changing table. This should do.

 

Behind these lovely doors are what I was really looking for...

 

Drawers with cut-outs instead of drawer pulls. The doors must go. The cut-out drawers are very Anthropologie-like. Love that.

 

 

The best part about this dresser was the $60 that it cost me. If I end up not liking it for the baby's room, or if I find something better, I'll sell it and make a little money off of it. I'm thinking I'll put a darker chocolate stain on the inside of the drawers (which are often ignored) and painting/distressing the outside. I hope it turns out!

Where did the summer go???

Am I the only one wondering what happened to summer?

I know it is still technically summer, but between back-to-school packed stores and seeing the daily doubles in the soccer and football fields I'm wondering where summer went. I feel like I spent all of July trying to squeeze in a few activities around long hours at work. Okay, I don't just feel that way that IS exactly what I did. Very busy, but fun month!

Some our July fun included:

Amelia's Birthday

4th of July BBQ

Uncle Jake helped set up the "water park" before hanging out with a great group of people and kiddos for lunch. 

 

Beach Weekend

We had such a fun trip to the coast. Jake got to go on his first ocean fishing/crabbing trip with Kyle. They had fun and we had a great dinner that night!

Dirty Dash 5K Fun Run

Seriously...never been so dirty before in my life.

Dallas Summerfest 5k Fun Run & Parade

I'm the chair of a community outreach team at work and the group coordinates our participation in a lot of local events. Parades are a big deal around here and my hospital has participated for many years. The picture above shows the float "in progress" at our house. We won Best In Show honors!

 Marci, Kyle, and the girls came down and joined Jake and I for the parade festivities after we ran (if you can call it that) our 5K. 

 We've started August off with a fun weekend as well, but our month is growing quiet as we speak. Jake started working on a school in Washington a couple of weeks ago. The part of the job getting done now will likely take around 8 to 12 weeks. Although we really appreciate Jake's company having the work, traveling is no fun. Jake only gets to be home a day and a half on the weekends and lives out of the hotel room throughout the week. Not fun, but he doesn't complain. I complain. A little. :o)

August Fun:

Olivia's Birthday

Olivia with her beautiful momma on her "6th" Birthday. This kid is a goofball and thought it was funny to say that it was her 6th birthday instead of 2nd. I'm told she has also decided that she is a "big baby" instead of a toddler now. 

 Oregon Jamboree

I didn't take a single picture of us at Jamboree, but have a picture of the girls in their Jamboree chair.

I've said it before and will keep saying it - being busy while we are waiting for baby is such a blessing! July flew by and August is already half over. Each day brings us closer to a phone call, to a birthmom, to our baby. I remember sitting at our kitchen table in Idaho with our caseworker at the time telling us the best thing we can do is keep living our lives, stay busy, and don't let the waiting take over. Of course she was right, but it is hard to constantly be wondering (or trying not to). I notice that I have had a hard time not being fixated both times we've been asked to show our  profile. With both situations as soon as I've sent the email to our coordinator the waiting has become distracting. It's like waking up every morning and not knowing if it is going to be Christmas or not. Let me tell you - it is going to be so incredibly amazing when it finally is. Can't wait!!!

Reacting

Have you ever reacted to something so out of proportion to what it is that you have to laugh at yourself?

Our profile was given to a birthmom in Louisiana yesterday.

My phone rang tonight from an Idaho number (where our agency is located).

My heart immediately started pounding as I realized the area code. My thoughts raced. It's only been a day. Why would they call at night?

I yelled to Jake in the other room that someone from Idaho was calling me.

I answered the phone.

It was the wrong number.

Seriously.

Talk about overreacting.

Jake's still laughing. But only because he thought the same thing I did.

Busy-ness

This week came with some tight deadlines, back-to-back meetings, hundreds of budget-related emails, and late nights at the office. Thankfully I really don't mind the work, but I've definitely been busy and not home long enough to do much more than sleep. Although the days were long, this week flew by. This type of work requires full attention and cognition so it really kept the day dreaming time about becoming a mommy to minimum.

What a blessing.

Another week closer to baby. That's what this busy week made me.

As packed with work as this week was, adoption came up a few times. Because some days it still doesn't seem real that we are going to be parents, each instance made me smile and warmed my heart. The first time it came up the finance director I am working for was showing me the department and one of the ladies in accounts payable recognized my name and asked if I was the Melissa that she just reimbursed for adoption expenses (thank goodness I already gave the director a head's up so this wasn't the first time he heard about it). We all chatted about adoption for a few minutes and I enjoyed getting to talk about it. I also had a nurse manager catch up with me while getting lunch to ask how the process was going. This lady has always been so enthusiastic and supportive or our journey. So sweet.

Lastly, my mom sent me a story. Someone in the building she works in has been trying to get approval to adopt. I didn't have a chance to ask all the details, but apparently this guy and his wife have had quite the journey themselves. He is a cancer survivor. His cancer has been completely eradicated, but having the history of it disqualified him and his wife from adopting through a couple of agencies. They were finally approved. The below story was shared with my mom and she passed it along to me. I think it's simplicity helps demonstrate how the different journeys to parenthood feel to different people.

I guess I should add that my work week wasn't all boring serious stuffy budget work...I did manage to order two dozen stick horses from a warehouse in the South. Have any of you ever tried to order stick horses in bulk??? Seriously not a readily available item. A story for another day...

Profiles and A Situation

I put our completed profiles in the mail to our agency this morning!

So, once I sent in our profile for review the coordinator at the agency we are working with took a couple of weeks to get back to us. She reviewed our profile and made some notes for revision and also had the caseworker who did our Idaho home study review it. They had great feedback and I was able to make the revisions pretty easily. It was nice having someone who has seen hundreds of profiles look at ours and help make it what it needs to be.

What I wasn't expecting from the phone call with our coordinator was talking about a situation. In the adoption world a situation = a potential birth mom. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it a bit, but our profile wasn't even ready for print yet and we were being shown a birth mom and being asked if we wanted her to see our profile! Our profile is being overnighted to her agency so they'll have it tomorrow. There is really no way of knowing whether she will like what she sees in our book or not, and the situation isn't a perfect match to us from what we can tell based on the limited information we have, but it is close enough for us to want to know more.

I feel catapulted into the next phase of this adoption journey and it REALLY feels real now. We are adopting and bringing a baby home is imminent. Crazy.

I still can't adequately describe what it is like having information on a potential situation in my hands. I read through her profile ten different times before I caught all of the details. Seeing her name, the gender of the baby in her belly, and her due date was surreal. This situation may not even be our situation, but it is still exciting to be throwing our hat in for consideration by a birth mom.

I think this is also the perfect first situation for Jake and I to be made aware of. There are some things about it that stretch our comfort boundaries and are making us talk about what is right for us. These talks are providing more clarity and affirmation and I'm glad we are having them.

Such an exciting week!

Ready for Review

I sent our profile to our coordinator this evening. So excited to finally have it ready to be reviewed. I also will have a copy waiting at Kinkos for me on the way into the Salem campus in the morning. I hope the coordinator doesn't have too much feedback and changes for me to make because I'm feeling pretty done with it! In a good way. This week I finally felt a sense of urgency to get the profile done. This coincided with the busiest week I've had at work in 9 months.  Coincidence?

I know this is pretty light for a blog post, but not really Facebook content for me and I really wanted to tell someone! You are welcome all of my dear family for not sending you a late night text. :o)

xoxo Mel

Working 9 to 5...

Okay - I don't technically work 9 to 5, but good ol' Dolly started singing in my head as I tried to devise a clever title for this little work related blog post.

This month has brought with it a couple of changes with work. One change I'm excited about and loving and the other I'm completely on the fence about.

Change #1

I've started riding my new bike to work! I finally got a bike after not having one since junior high. It's purple. I love it. I feel cool when I ride it (haha). I'm not able to ride everyday because I have to go in to our Salem campus 15 miles away for meetings pretty frequently, but plan to ride at least 3 days a week. This was my first week wanting getting to ride in a couple of days. The first week with my bike came with some unusually cold and wet days and it made me nervous to start my bike commute in yucky conditions. My house is about 2 1/2 miles from the hospital. Getting there is a pretty easy 10 minute ride. Getting home is a little less easy and takes a few more minutes with the majority of the ride home being uphill. I enjoyed riding this week and am looking forward to doing it as much as possible.

What makes this bike situation even more awesome was my dad chipping in for it as my birthday present AND going shopping with me for it. Heart him.

Change #2

I'm taking on new responsibility for the summer. In Salem. In the Finance department. Working on budgets. Why all the incomplete sentences? Imagine me catching my breath between mildly dramatic sobs. A lot of people don't know the details about what I have actually done in my career. This is mostly because I work in healthcare, but I'm not a clinician. It's usually hard to describe in a short elevator pitch, and quite frankly to most, it is probably boring to hear about. Don't get me wrong, I've loved what I've done, what I do, but it isn't cool chat about the details over coffee kind of work. I've spent the majority of my summers during my 20's working crazy long hours trying to bust out over 700 department operating budgets totalling over $1B with my fellow budget-warriors. Budget seasons for healthcare organizations with a fiscal year starting in October are short, intense, and run their course from June thru September. You pretty much kiss your summer goodbye.

Regardless of the direction I've moved my career in, moving away from Finance departments and budgets, they always seem to pull me back. Analysts in healthcare are hard to come by. Well, good ones. Our Finance department is short half their analyst crew, are swamped with work around analyzing our operations due to revenue shortfalls this year, and need help. I'm a bit rusty doing this work, but I'm told it's like riding a bike (ironic choice of words this week). I do hope I'll be of some help, but this does mean more work on top of my already full schedule.

I really don't want to say goodbye to my summer, but I think it is going to happen....UNLESS....a baby comes our way sooner rather than later. Just sayin'... :o)

what a difference a year makes

Because of the duration from the time we started on our adoption journey to now, there have been a lot changes. We are just getting to the waiting part that can realistically take over a year, yet we've already been working on things for over a year. We'll be "meeting" with one of the adoption coordinators from our agency (having a phone call with) to talk about how and where we want networked. I've talked with our coordinator briefly once and she started throwing stuff out there like we'd already heard it. What I don't think she realized is how much their programs have changed since we were introduced to them. Three big changes:

1. The Agency restructured. People let go and roles changed for some who remain. For us, this has translated into us introducing ourselves over and over again.

2. The cost has gone up. Our agency's fee has increased as has the agencies they network with. Not a small change either; we are talking $4-9k. Nobody mentioned this to us, so when I requested a list of the agencies that they network with and their placement fees it is possible I fell out of my chair. At work. I guess that's what I get for checking my personal email at work. :o) Lesson learned.

3. Average waiting time....double to TRIPLED.

So, a lot has changed, right?

We really weren't prepared for any of this, but we've talked about it all and are doing our best to take it in stride. Knowing that in the grand scheme, these are minor details that we can adapt to accomodate fairly readily. Doesn't everything in life cost more and take longer?

To learn more about the other agencies that ours works with I decided to look them up online and also call them myself and ask a few questions. I had one of the most interesting conversations with an agency in Georgia. While one of the coordinators was explaining their programs and how the volume of placements have changed over the last year I was sad to hear that their wait is averaging 18-20 months. They are seeing more adoptive parents than babies. They've also seen such a shift in their program that although our agency does network with them they won't look at our profile until those parents who've been waiting over a year are placed. There were 30 couples in that category. There was one caveat to this - if we were black. The only need for adoptive parents was for black couples open to a not 100% black baby. Listening to a woman with a thick southern accent asking someone (me) on the phone with no (or northwestern?) accent whether I happened to be black made me smile.

Thinking about the statistics I posted about before made this conversation even more interesting. All of the proportions just seem off. I think to look at the race of babies who are being placed is necessary to understand how long it is taking and what races adoptive parents are "open to" or "willing" to be placed with to understand the whole dynamics of race in adoption.

It is all just so interesting to me...

Race in Adoption

A topic that frequently comes up about our adoption is race. It is a topic that elicits a lot of questions and I often feel like I have to explain why Jake and I are in a "transracial" program with our adoption agency. A lot of people have a lot of VERY strong opinions about race in adoption. So much so that I contemplated naming this post something different so as not to attract undesired attention from people who seek out adoption blogs for the sole purpose of bashing them and leaving horrible comments. Although this topic can become extremely complicated, I believe that it doesn't need to be.

When I look back at much of my childhood there was a lot of simplicity in it. Believe in God and have faith. Live by the 10 commandments. Love deeply. Don't be hurtful - whether it be intentional or not. Be thoughtful enough to consider how others might feel when expressing your opinion and thoughts. Everyone is equal. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. Having an opinion doesn't make you right. Be kind. Live life with grace. Be humble, yet confident in who you are because you are valuable. Give to others who have less than you. Appreciate the little things. I could go on and on, but there is simplicity in all of these things.

This is going to be my (our) approach to having a transracial family. Yes, there are things that will be different. We do not, however, need to make it complicated.

While in our training our adoption agency requires there was a lot of time spent on race in adoption. We ended up having the only black man in the entire class sitting next to us with his wife who is white. Super amazing couple. Jermaine and Jessica and Jake and I clicked immediately and would have been great friends had we stayed in Idaho. Jermaine works in law enforcement and does a lot of work with keeping college athletes on the straight and narrow. He is also a motivational speaker. Our agency asked him to talk a little bit about raising his two boys (Jessica was his second wife and I can't remember his first wife's race, so maybe mixed kiddos maybe not) in a mostly white community. Everything he spoke of - and he called it out later when just talking to Jake and me - didn't have to do with race. He spoke a lot about awareness and building an inner confidence in your child to tackle whatever may come their way. Race issues weren't the only issues his sons were going to encounter in their lives an he wanted to prepare them for that. Up until talking with Jermaine and Jessica the things they were saying and the way they were presenting them in class was making us feel like we had NO business adopting a child of a different race. Of course, me being a bit outspoken at times, said this to Jermaine. He laughed and was very reassuring. They were just trying to make the point that race can't be ignored. They could have just said that! :o)

So, what triggered this post about race? Facebook. Buried in my news feed (I swear when you are adopting you have an eagle eye for all things adoption) I saw a reference to the below blog. I think this lady says what a lot of us think. We judge. Maybe we shouldn't.

http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2012/06/why-are-so-many-celebrities-adopting.html

This blogger also includes some very thought provoking statistics (pulled from a sample of adoptive parent profiles that might not be a valid subset). I don't know how accurate they are. I'm going to try to research a bit more and I'll also share in an upcoming post my conversation with an agency in Georgia. It was all about race and eye opening.

Until next time!

P.s. The spellcheck is telling me transracial isn't a word...

Last Couple of Weeks

Here is a list of 10 things I've done in the past couple of weeks...

1. Sew new pillows for the couch

2. Hang a wall full of pictures in the living room

3. Practice playing softball
4. Shop for a bicycle
5. Go to a butterfly exhibit

6. Steam clean the carpets
7. Take the couch apart to wash the covers and make it look new again
8. Dinner at friends' house
9. Have friends over for dinner
10. Go for a few trail runs

Here is what I haven't done in the past couple of weeks...

Our profile.

Ugh!!!!!

Next Steps

On Friday we were excited to see an email that said:

Your home study has been finalized and signed off on here in the Boise Office, you are ready for the next steps in your adoption journey, entering your program of choice.

That means we need to really get going on putting our profile together. This is the please-pick-us book of pictures and stories about us and the letters we write to our future birthmomma.

As I've mentioned before, this has been so hard to make headway on! I literally have two pages done. And by done I mean I only make a few changes to them each time I look at them. :o) I think the hard thing is making sure it is "us" and that our personalities and who we are show through. There are a few pages of instructions and required/recommended content that we need to include, but what I really wanted to start with was our relationship...no narrative, just pictures and what 12 pictures looks like; one for each year we've been together.

Jake and I have more pages to create and it is the perfect mother's day project to work on together!

xoxo

adoption is the new pregnant

Love this!

So thankful for my loving and supportive friends and family...

Lonesome Adoption?

I have to say that our adoption journey has been lonely at times. I say that not knowing if "lonely" is really the right word to describe it. I've never excelled at sharing my feelings so I think that contributes to the situation. I, of course, have the hubbs next to me every step of the way, but there is just still something that feels lonely. I know there are others out there who have experienced the same things and have been googling various blogs looking...looking for something/someone to connect with. I don't know if it is because there is so much about adoption that so many don't know (including me, I'm definitely a newbie) that makes me not know how to talk about it.

Today, there were two examples of this odd feeling where I would have loved to have someone to relate to. First, I was super excited to get a phone call from our Idaho caseworker asking a few confirmatory questions for our home study. She is wrapping up the last of the details of the paperwork and expects the home study to be reviewed, revised, and approved by the end of the week (yay!!!!). This phone call was seriously the highlight of my day. As a couple of my coworkers asked about it, they were trying to be enthusiastic for me, but I think they were wondering what I was so excited about. :) I'm sure from their perspective we've been working on this whole home study thing for months and thought the last home visit we had meant we were done. Well, it has been months....but we are still working on it.

After the phone call started to sink in and I started to realize what it means for the home study to be complete I went into panic planning mode. My first thought was what if we got another phone call right away with a baby waiting for us to pick them up. Next thought, I need to check our bank account. Seriously. Happy baby thoughts quickly dissolved into 'how are we going to pay for this?' thoughts. One thing I talk about less than my feelings is talking about money. Of course it will all work out, but that lonely isolated feeling crept in again. Who can we talk to this about? Do we ask our caseworker what other couples do, how they feel going through what we are going through?

Anywho (remember saying that like 10 years ago, old school I know) - now that is off of my chest, I feel better. Thank you blog for listening.

Next dilemma...what font to use in our profile...

I'm not joking!

I'm tentatively liking Magneto.

Except, I don't l*o*v*e how the numbers look as much as I like how letters look.

Stay tuned... 

5 Years 5 Random Acts of Kindness

So what do you do five years later...five years after getting the single most profound phone call of your life? Five years after learning what true agony is. For most, war is a distant and foreign thing. Not for me. War came into my home and changed my life forever.

I've spent the month of April this year similarly to the past few years. The change you feel in the air that shows a hint of spring changes something inside me. I sleep less. Significantly less; we are talking maybe a few hours a night. I find myself lost in thought often and contemplating things both big and small. I think about my entire childhood. I think about my family, my future children. I think about my faith. I think about my brother.

April 23rd comes around every year as do the other Dale-days throughout the year. There are a lot of them. This I am thankful for. I, as does my entire family, think about my brother every single day. It is a blessing to have as many memories as we do. Dale-days bring about some memories that have gotten fuzzy and an opportunity to talk about them with loved ones.

This year one thing that is different is the focus on starting our family. Hours have been spent combing through pictures and writing and re-writing words to our future birthmomma. There are times I am completely overwhelmed with emotion as I think about the uncle my children will never know; the fun they would have had and the lessons they would have learned from my only brother. This is what I've been contemplating a lot about this month.

Dale made people smile.

So, this is where I got my idea. I want to make people smile and I want to do it for him.

From this year forward I want to spend April 23rd focusing on making people smile. For every year that passes I want to do that many random acts of kindness.

This year is 5 years so 5 random acts of kindness were incorporated into my day. I didn't really have a plan going into today, so I just went with it as things came to mind.

1. I bought a couple of people a cup of coffee. After snagging an iced tea at a local drive-thru I left extra money and instructions with the barista to use the money towards the next few coffee orders she got. As I drove away, she was smiling.
2. Jake and I met up for a beer and on my way to the table I stopped at the bar. I left money and instruction to cover the next customer's happy hour and a relatively large tip for the waitress. As I was explaining my idea to the waitress, she was smiling...and she was really smiling as she told her next customer that her order was taken care of. And for the customer, she was smiling.
3. I gave away some jeans (that I love, but will probably never fit into again) to some teenagers who happen to love clothes...especially free ones. As one of the teens was running out the door, she was smiling.
4. I made cookies and took them to a neighbor I hadn't met yet. After sitting around and chatting and getting to know each other a bit, she was smiling.
5. I ran out of time today, but I plan on taking some more of the cookies I made, some tea, a handmade card and an envelope with postage to another neighbor. I want to share a little treat with her to have while writing a note to a friend and sending it to them in the mail. I'm pretty sure this will make her smile.

Today was still a hard day and tears were shed, but smiles were shared today too. The war continues, but today I did my best to show some kindness on behalf of and in memory of my brother.

Love you little brother. Semper fi.

No Words

Seriously. I have none. For the letter I need to write to birthmommas. I always have words. Enough for at least 2 people. At least.

Our Agency gives us guidelines of things to include in our letters, (Jake and I each have to write one...and if I don't have words Jake for sure has less) but it still doesn't really help.

Maybe this situation calls for a throw back to college tactics. Maybe I need to start with an outline. And an extremely pressing deadline that I procrastinate towards until I almost run out of time. And a library (if I wasn't at the hospital I was on the 3rd floor of the BSU library in grad school). And coffee.

I thought that the easiest place to start would be with the pictures. I organized all the pictures we have printed by year and will go through the ones that are electronic next. If pictures are the easiest place to start I'm in trouble and this profile is going to take me months...and make me laugh and cry a lot.

And the background checks are in...

And they came back good to go! Imagine that. After resubmitting 23 pages of updated paperwork to one of our caseworkers following our last home visit from another caseworker the last of the paperwork is all done!

We were expecting to wait for this a bit longer, but are so happy that it is done. Last week we got letters in the mail requesting notarized releases of information for the state of Oregon to look up our names in a state of Idaho database. One last name check in one more database. As annoyed as I was to have to jump through one more hoop, considering we just had background checks completed in Idaho, there is a reason for all the database checking...it helps keep kiddos safe. It also helps that I was able to call one of my co-workers who happens to be a notary and get the notarized releases the same day we got them in the mail. I love small-town, small-hospital stuff like that.

So, what's next for us? The next (and last) step is to put together a profile that includes letters from us to birthmoms and pictures/stories showing who we are. The idea is to put together a little bit about us so that a mom can get enough of a sense for who we are that she wants to know more and hopefully wants us to parent the baby in her belly. Seriously...what do you say?

I'll post pages of our profile as I get them put together...so excited to be getting to this point. I can't wait to be waiting. Waiting to be chosen. Waiting for a call. Waiting for the airplane to take us who-knows-where. Waiting to bring our baby home. Waiting to be a family.

Oh Where to Start

It's been ages...

I have a bad quirky habit of quoting Disney and Disney-ish movies. I blame it on my upbringing. So, when I sat down and decided to update my little blog this was the first thing that popped into my head. I adore Roger from the Open Season movies. :)

So, it has been ages. A lot and nothing at all has been going on it seems...

We officially bought a house and moved in at the end of January. Our new house is in need of some good ol' fashion TLC and elbow grease. So far we've scraped away popcorn ceilings, had said ceilings refinished, have painted almost the entire interior of the house (the goals is to paint it all, so almost there), replaced the old creamy-yellowish-original plug ins and light switches, made built-in closet storage in the spare bedrooms, and are working on replacing the light fixtures. I'll try to post some before and after pictures just because I think they are fun.

We've been working like crazy on the house and will hopefully have a home visit from our adoption agency next weekend. After trying to get them here for almost 5 months now, I'll believe it when I actually see them on our doorstep.

A big part of my not updating this blog has been my waning optimism about adopting. Our agency laid off part of their staff last year, were busy finalizing the adoptions of those who were already placed, and pretty much fessed up to us that we were just more work that they put on the back burner until they could get caught up. This is something I can understand. I understand business. Supply, demand, and resource availability are pretty basic. What has been so disappointing is our case worker, in my opinion, didn't feel like she could share with us what was really happening with our file. It literally didn't get opened for the 4 months after  we moved and I started calling and emailing for our home visit. The home visit that is the one last thing we need to do before we can get our profile out there for birth moms to look at. The story we were told when we first moved was that they go over to Oregon all the time and they can get the schedule put together in a few weeks. Then it was sorry our November trip is already full. Then it was we aren't coming over to Oregon in December, how does January 13th sound? Oh, we aren't coming in January now because we have another couple we wanted to include on the trip and they aren't ready for the visit. Then it was...we aren't planning any more trips to Oregon. You need to talk to the director, maybe she can send out a case worker from Bend. And the story keeps going...but I think I'm out of breath.

At the end of the day they tell us a case worker from Bend is coming next weekend.

So, back to my waning optimism...I think I've shied away from sharing because I feel like we are trying with no result. Kind of like trying to conceive. This is our conception period of trying to grow our family. Weird thing to share with everyone. We are going to keep trying though and will hopefully have a progress update to share with everyone in the near future.

Happy Saturday all!

Packing :o)

We are packing! After putting in an offer a month ago, we will finally be closing on the house either next Tuesday or Wednesday. Purchasing a home was much more difficult this time due to the changes in the industry, but we are almost done and finally feel comfortable to start packing.

The best part about moving will be getting our homestudy redone finally! I emailed our caseworker today and we will be having a new caseworker come out from Bend. The downside of this is how much more they are going to charge us and how little they are actually supporting our file now, but it is better than starting completely over.

Who knew I would ever be so excited to pack up my stuff!