Back to Normal :)

I'm thankfully back to being my normal self. Talk about being in a funk. However, my momentary loss of optimism is behind me. I still think adoption can be hard. I still think it is hard to maintain perspective while going through this adoption journey, but it sure is nice when that perspective gets back in check. It's against my nature to not be in control of things, have things organized, or have a deadline. I have none of these things in this process and it kind of drives me nuts.

So, what does someone do when they're a control freak with no control?

Organize.

Make lists.

Clean.

Prepare.

Shop.

Okay, maybe the last one is unrelated.

Some pending-parenthood realizations I've had over the past few weeks:

1. How much control do I have really? And what little I might have will be gone anyway as baby becomes the controller of all. And I'm excited about that.

2. Moby wraps are flipping huge! Seriously. How long are they anyway? My guess is 16 feet. Or maybe only half that, but it is a serious strip of fabric (I'd measure it, but it is neatly packed in baby's go bag). Maybe Jake and I can both be strapped to baby at the same time. I'm pretty sure we'd both fit. It would be a relationship building exercise, much like riding a tandem bike.

3. I hope I like pampers. I stocked up on a few. I got a great deal on them and couldn't pass up getting some. Not such a great deal if I end up not liking them...

4. I want travel and exploration to be important to my kids. I wonder how they'll do when they are little? This has been a VERY interesting subject. We've been putting off a vacation (a much needed vacation) while waiting for baby. I want to take a vacation sooner rather than later i.e. I hope to take a family vacation before baby turns one. I'm talking warm weather, sandy beach vacation. As I've talked about this with friends there has been such a wide range of opinions. Some say leave them with grandma. Some say take them with. Some say don't take a trip and stay close to home instead. So, what's the realization here? I'm going to remain naive and leave the sugar coating on my future children. They will be perfect. They will sleep on airplanes. They will love going everywhere we go and we'll still be able to make  it to places on time. See...denial sugar coating...very healthy for all pending-parents.

three months

Three down, who knows how many more to go! October 1st marked three months of being on the wait list for us. Time seems to go by so quickly I don't really know how to feel about this waiting. On one hand I can't believe it has been three months already, and on the other it's been ages!!!

This last month, more than any other to-date, has been the hardest. Hands down, no contest, the hardest. Adoption is hard.

We spent a good portion of September thinking we might be parents soon. We made the prayerful decision to be considered for a baby with an October 8th due date. We were asked questions by the birthmom through our caseworker and up until the week before the due date we were being considered. Then we weren't. The birthmother chose a different couple.

It is such a conundrum to be considered by a birthmom. Most expectant parents get excited thinking about the prospect of their baby. We did. But there in lies the conundrum...we aren't technically expecting. We got to such a point of anticipation that it felt irresponsible to not prepare to some extent. We have what is necessary to bring a baby home, but as I walk through my home it seems somewhat pathetic to have a mostly empty room set aside in anticipation of a baby. I want to be hopeful, optimistic, positive, and graceful in this wait for our family to grow. For the most part I am. However, this week, I don't want to pretend that doing so is easy.

unexpected lessons

We knew when we signed up for adoption to be part of our family that we would be forever changed. What we didn't know was how. We've been made aware of three situations, or potential matches, over the past couple of months. I had no idea how much each of these individual situations would touch me in the deepest and most visceral way. Especially the situation we learned about today.

I've been on the brink of tears all afternoon...and openly cried when I finally talked to someone about it.

There is a mom out there with a baby in her belly that has a congenital heart defect. An anomaly that statistics show will require up to three heart surgeries and a significantly reduced lifespan. This mother is considering placing her child. We decided to show our profile to her.

Today I don't have words, I have tears. This woman and child may be two people we never actually meet, yet today I cry for them. I pray for them. I pray for this mother to have comfort and feel strength in her decision. I pray for God's will for this unborn child to be carried out in the meaningful and fulfilling way that He intends. I pray for grace. I just...pray...and I am humbled.

two months

As of September 1st we've been on our adoption agency's transracial adoption program wait list for two months. Doesn't seem like too long. Add the 14 months it took to get onto that wait list and it seems a little longer.

I'm beyond curious about when we'll hear about our baby, what it will be like trying to get ready to go to them, what it will be like meeting them for the first time, how we'll feel, will our birth mom want to meet us - is she safe from the hurricane, what will traveling with a newborn be like, what will it feel like coming home, how amazing will it be for our family meeting the newest addition...

So much to think about and anticipate.

baby room stuff

I've been searching for a dresser for baby's room for months. No joke. Months. Well, for some of those months I wasn't seriously looking. More browsing to see what's out there. When it comes to finding nursery furniture my potential finds have fallen into two categories 1) on Craigslist (but too far away, not quite right, already sold, etc) or 2) too expensive. I have a hard time spending a decent chunk of change on something I don't absolutely love and want to keep around forever. I also kind of like the idea of re-purposing and re-using. No need to buy something brand new when there are plenty of used pieces of furniture out there already. The old stuff is typically built way better as well.

Enter old, smelly, not cute dresser with potential. I wanted something that will also serve as a changing table. This should do.

 

Behind these lovely doors are what I was really looking for...

 

Drawers with cut-outs instead of drawer pulls. The doors must go. The cut-out drawers are very Anthropologie-like. Love that.

 

 

The best part about this dresser was the $60 that it cost me. If I end up not liking it for the baby's room, or if I find something better, I'll sell it and make a little money off of it. I'm thinking I'll put a darker chocolate stain on the inside of the drawers (which are often ignored) and painting/distressing the outside. I hope it turns out!

Where did the summer go???

Am I the only one wondering what happened to summer?

I know it is still technically summer, but between back-to-school packed stores and seeing the daily doubles in the soccer and football fields I'm wondering where summer went. I feel like I spent all of July trying to squeeze in a few activities around long hours at work. Okay, I don't just feel that way that IS exactly what I did. Very busy, but fun month!

Some our July fun included:

Amelia's Birthday

4th of July BBQ

Uncle Jake helped set up the "water park" before hanging out with a great group of people and kiddos for lunch. 

 

Beach Weekend

We had such a fun trip to the coast. Jake got to go on his first ocean fishing/crabbing trip with Kyle. They had fun and we had a great dinner that night!

Dirty Dash 5K Fun Run

Seriously...never been so dirty before in my life.

Dallas Summerfest 5k Fun Run & Parade

I'm the chair of a community outreach team at work and the group coordinates our participation in a lot of local events. Parades are a big deal around here and my hospital has participated for many years. The picture above shows the float "in progress" at our house. We won Best In Show honors!

 Marci, Kyle, and the girls came down and joined Jake and I for the parade festivities after we ran (if you can call it that) our 5K. 

 We've started August off with a fun weekend as well, but our month is growing quiet as we speak. Jake started working on a school in Washington a couple of weeks ago. The part of the job getting done now will likely take around 8 to 12 weeks. Although we really appreciate Jake's company having the work, traveling is no fun. Jake only gets to be home a day and a half on the weekends and lives out of the hotel room throughout the week. Not fun, but he doesn't complain. I complain. A little. :o)

August Fun:

Olivia's Birthday

Olivia with her beautiful momma on her "6th" Birthday. This kid is a goofball and thought it was funny to say that it was her 6th birthday instead of 2nd. I'm told she has also decided that she is a "big baby" instead of a toddler now. 

 Oregon Jamboree

I didn't take a single picture of us at Jamboree, but have a picture of the girls in their Jamboree chair.

I've said it before and will keep saying it - being busy while we are waiting for baby is such a blessing! July flew by and August is already half over. Each day brings us closer to a phone call, to a birthmom, to our baby. I remember sitting at our kitchen table in Idaho with our caseworker at the time telling us the best thing we can do is keep living our lives, stay busy, and don't let the waiting take over. Of course she was right, but it is hard to constantly be wondering (or trying not to). I notice that I have had a hard time not being fixated both times we've been asked to show our  profile. With both situations as soon as I've sent the email to our coordinator the waiting has become distracting. It's like waking up every morning and not knowing if it is going to be Christmas or not. Let me tell you - it is going to be so incredibly amazing when it finally is. Can't wait!!!

Reacting

Have you ever reacted to something so out of proportion to what it is that you have to laugh at yourself?

Our profile was given to a birthmom in Louisiana yesterday.

My phone rang tonight from an Idaho number (where our agency is located).

My heart immediately started pounding as I realized the area code. My thoughts raced. It's only been a day. Why would they call at night?

I yelled to Jake in the other room that someone from Idaho was calling me.

I answered the phone.

It was the wrong number.

Seriously.

Talk about overreacting.

Jake's still laughing. But only because he thought the same thing I did.